Moving on…

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Words don’t come easily sometimes, and when I stop to ask why, I wonder if it’s because there’s a lot out there that’s unknown. Writing is part of the process by which things briefly glimpsed and partially perceived take on more definition, become gradually more known. Taking the step, acknowledging the uncertainty and the fear, and moving on is vital, but not easily embraced.

How do we become more willing to live through the disruption of not knowing, of not being clear about things? I want to learn, to work through the possibilities in it, to bring new life and ideas out of it. I want to learn it both alone and with others. But doing so isn’t easy. I’ve built up a way of thinking, a way of being that is ultimately self protective. In particular, it protects me from charges of being stupid, wrong, weird or unrealistic in my thinking. I want who I am to be approved in and by the sharp-edged world of rational, linear thinking. Yet my words and mind can often fail me, send me in loops, miss the point and land somewhere else entirely.

Recently I was staying with some friends in woodland near Petersfiled and we went for a night walk. The darkness was velvety, deep and at times astonishing – there was no way that our eyes could adjust to its depths. The chalk paths rose up to offer some guidance, but gradually our feet began to find the ground without seeing and all the other senses began steering us on our way.

The walk mirrored how, over the past years, I’ve been learning to walk a different path, to listen to my intuition and to the nudges of spirit. As I’ve done so, I’ve grown more confident, found that part of me is enlarging, getting stronger as I depend on it to lead me on. I trust my own wisdom more than I ever have, I trust and respect myself more than ever. But I also know that I can still feel undermined in a world doesn’t work this way.

In a number of books I’ve read recently, there is mention of the need to develop a medial self, one who can navigate between the inner and outer life. This fascinates me as it suggests a way of operating that draws on an inner reality and works to give shape to it in the outer world. But while there are aspects of being that have opened up seams of new and unexpected joy in life, much of the world can feel downright hostile to them. Letting go of the need for approval in the world of straight lines and reason, committing to creating a life that aligns with what I think and feel ultimately aligns me to a process of change, of emergence and transformation. It’s time to begin.